I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
