Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
