Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
