last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I've blown a few things in my day
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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