1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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