Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
