ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
