Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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