Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
