You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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