his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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