The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I showed him my bush... on skype.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
