I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
