I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
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traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
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Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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