I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
