I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
