Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
