So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
