mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
