I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
