I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
