my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
