It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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