i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
