So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
