Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
