cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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