I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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