i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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