mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
