There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
