i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
