I'm so fucking centered right now
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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