I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
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There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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