I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
