it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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