Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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