Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
