naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
