Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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