franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
