guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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