3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
