My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
