ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
