i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
