I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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