The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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