Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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