Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
