i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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