So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
