in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
