you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
