I'm so fucking centered right now
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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