wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
