Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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