trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
