Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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